<p>-
- The Pressure to Be Straight Is Real—And It Has a Name</p>
<p>Hayley FolkAugust 5, 2025 at 2:56 PM</p>
<p>What Exactly Is Comphet? Getty Images; Jason Speakman Illustration - Getty Images</p>
<p>There are many things that feel like a right of passage to LGBTQ+ folks: listening to Lady Gaga a million times on repeat, buying your first Pride flag, discovering the pronouns that feel most right for you and, yes, even crushing on a straight friend. But there is one less fun, sadly common canon event that many queer folks experience, too. Enter: comphet (aka compulsory heterosexuality.)</p>
<p>But what is comphet? What does it mean, really?</p>
<p>"Comphet is the aggressive way in which heterosexuality is normalized and even glorified as the 'right' way to experience and explore love, sex and relating," says Jordana Ezra (she/they), a somatic sexologist based in New York City. "It's the assumption that women grow up to be with men and love it. It's the idea that girls and femmes are taught to be straight even if they are not."</p>
<p>And it's not just something queer women deal with, either. It's a phenomenon that any person—regardless of gender—can go through when it comes to understanding their love life, sexuality, and identity. If you think you might be on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, but societal expectations of heteronormativity feels confusing, then you just might be experiencing comphet.</p>
<p>So how can the world begin to recognize comphet, and more importantly, move through it in a healthy way? To help, we've tapped the experts for their best advice.</p>
<p>Meet the experts: Jordana Ezra (she/they), is a somatic sexologist specializing in LGBTQ+. Katie Moore, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirming care.</p>
<p>What is comphet?</p>
<p>Comphet goes way back. It's the culmination of centuries of storytelling that centers men, and teaches folks of all genders to see themselves through the eyes of what's "normal" (aka cisgendered and heterosexual stereotypes), explains Ezra.</p>
<p>The term itself was coined by lesbian feminist Adrienne Rich in her 1980 essay "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence," and has since become more widespread.</p>
<p>"Comphet is the idea that we assume people are heterosexual unless proven otherwise,"</p>
<p>Katie Moore, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist tells Women's Health. And, it's everywhere! "It happens when people see my wedding ring and ask me about my husband (for reference, I have a wife)," says Moore. "It's present when we are surprised that a TV character that we assumed was straight turned out to be gay. It's in intake forms at doctors offices when they ask you about your mother and father, but not mother(s) or father(s) or parents."</p>
<p>Moore adds that, often, "we apply this idea even to ourselves, and it can cause identity confusion for some." In fact, this deep-rooted standard can lead to self-abandonment, a lack of self-confidence, refraining from coming out, or not living a life that is most authentic—that is, unless we work through it.</p>
<p>Common signs of compulsory heterosexuality</p>
<p>Ok, so you think this phenomenon might apply to you…but how can you know for sure? Ezra and Moore say to watch out for these tell-tale signs of compulsory heterosexuality:</p>
<p>You assume characters are straight unless it's specifically stated that they are gay.</p>
<p>You've dated men but always felt like something wasn't quite right—you felt confused, or disconnected.</p>
<p>You believe that being hetero is "normal."</p>
<p>You assume that someone is dressing to attract the opposite sex.</p>
<p>You say things like: "that little boy will be a ladies' man someday" or "that little girl will break all the boys' hearts."</p>
<p>You date people of the opposite sex in hopes that someone will be the right fit.</p>
<p>You've told yourself you should like someone because they're nice or into you, even if you weren't feeling it.</p>
<p>You feel more alive, safe, or turned on around queer people, but gaslight yourself into making that mean nothing (or even that you're wrong for feeling that way).</p>
<p>You crave queer intimacy, but worry you're not gay enough.</p>
<p>You stay with someone to avoid disappointing others or losing safety.</p>
<p>Straight sex leaves you feeling numb, confused, or like something's missing.</p>
<p>You feel drawn to queer stories, spaces, and people, but keep telling yourself, "I'm just an ally."</p>
<p>Sound familiar?</p>
<p>Who is most impacted by comphet?</p>
<p>"I would say that lesbians and queer women are hit the hardest because comphet literally teaches you to ignore your own desires and perform for men emotionally, sexually and relationally," Ezra explains, "So many lesbians spend years in straight relationships, thinking something is wrong with them, not the system. And because straight culture is so in-your-face, normalized, and often rewarded, it teaches us that in order to belong, we must follow this path."</p>
<p>Of course, other queer people (especially bisexual, pansexual, or questioning folks) are deeply impacted, too. Comphet tells you to "pick a side," pushes you towards relationships that feel "safer" by society's standards, and can make you feel invalid. Trans and non-binary people are also impacted by the pressure to conform to femininity for the male gaze, or straight culture (even when it doesn't align with their identity or orientation).</p>
<p>In Moore's opinion, though, young people are those who are the most affected by comphet, since they're still trying to figure out their identity. Comphet can get in the way. "As a young girl, I had Ellen as representation, but that was basically it," she says. "I didn't see myself in Ellen, or any other representation, and it delayed my process of self-discovery because the assumption was 'straight unless proven otherwise.'"</p>
<p>But what if we told you that straight people can experience comphet, too?</p>
<p>"Comphet is about conditioning, not just identity," Ezra says, "Straight people might still feel the effects of comphet if they've been taught to ignore their own pleasure, prioritize their partner's needs over their own, or believe that their worth is tied to how desirable they are to the opposite sex."</p>
<p>What to do if you're affected by comphet</p>
<p>"Moving beyond comphet isn't about picking a new label or proving your gayness," Ezra says. "It's about letting go of the story that said you had to be straight to be loved, to be safe, to be good."</p>
<p>Here are some expert-approved tips on how to let that story go:</p>
<p>1. Get honest about what feels performative</p>
<p>"Start noticing when you're doing things because you think you should, not because you actually want to," Ezra says.</p>
<p>2. Look for representation</p>
<p>"Find people who you see yourself in, and learn about them," Moore suggests. "You might learn about yourself along the way."</p>
<p>3. Take back the gaze</p>
<p>"Use practices like breath, self-pleasure, or mirror work to experience what desire, safety, and 'no' feel like in your body and outside of the male gaze," Ezra says, "Teach the parts of you that have been most impacted by comphet a new empowering narrative."</p>
<p>That might look like re-educating your inner child, or rewiring the brain with an empowering belief from a sex-positive, queer-liberated perspective. In her work as a somatic sexologist, Ezra hosts retreats for queer women to do just that.</p>
<p>4. Get to know the queer community</p>
<p>There's probably a lot more to the community than you realize. Plus, having a sense of belonging rewires the nervous system, and being seen in your queerness helps you trust it.</p>
<p>5. Grieve what you didn't get to have</p>
<p>"Make space for the sadness, confusion, or anger that comes from realizing you've been disconnected from your truth," Ezra says, "And the time spent forcing yourself to relate in inauthentic ways."</p>
<p>6. Gently name the shame</p>
<p>"Notice where internalized homophobia shows up and meet it with compassion, not judgment," Ezra offers. "Integrating this is a huge part of living beyond the stronghold of comphet."</p>
<p>7. Seek professional support</p>
<p>Lastly, if needed, reach out to a therapist to walk through this entire process with you.</p>
<p>"Focus on finding one who specializes in LGBTQIA+ work," Moore explains, "Accepting is not the same as affirming, and you'll want to work with someone who truly understands this."</p>
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